Author Archives: Abby Higgs

In January, I ordered a new pair of glasses. My vision had changed slightly; it had gone from ridiculously myopic to “worse.” For me, glasses are always an expensive, time-consuming investment. First of all, I’m an optometrist’s worst nightmare. I refuse the “eye puffer test” every visit. Sometimes the optometric assistants try to coax me into taking it.Continue reading “The Rorschach Test for the Legally Blind”

For a few weeks now, I’ve been struggling with an essay originally composed in “list format”: Should I restructure it and erase the “inventory-like” nature of its arrangement? Should I leave it alone and let it die in its late stage of development? What’s my motivation, anyhow? Let’s see if I can determine the answersContinue reading “Harold and Kumar Write an Essay in “List Format””

Ignoratio Elenchi: (An irrelevant conclusion, irrelevant thesis, or wrong conclusion fallacy; it is not the same thing as the “Red Herring” fallacy.) Example: “It is now legal in Baltimore for same-sex couples to marry. The law took effect January 1st, 2013. This year, Baltimore has also suffered a steep rise in gun-related criminal activity. Therefore, gayContinue reading “Fun with Informal Rhetorical Fallacies”

Since “The Great Adderall Shortage of 2011” — an anarchic phenomenon limited primarily to the confines of clinic waiting rooms and pharmacy counters, propelled by insufficient supply and colossal demand — Vyvanse had become my drug of choice. When all over the country, adults and children suffering from ADHD made this collective plea — “Give me my medicine! IContinue reading “The B.A.A.A.D. Scale”

Once Julian left for good, I started riding the Route 11 bus northbound to the Towson Mall. It was an hour ride one-way, so I made the trip mostly on Saturdays. I don’t remember what I did to occupy my time en route. Most likely, I thought about specificities pertaining solely to Julian — notContinue reading “Julian-specific Aroma-fusions”

Over the past few months, friends of mine have been telling me that I have “choices” now. “Fine,” I’d say, “I choose a 1970 Dodge Charger, infinity money, and to hold the world record for fastest labyrinth-solving. Plus the emotional maturity of, at least, an eleven-year-old.” But, I get it — what my friends trulyContinue reading “A Lot of Sapphic Laughter”

It’s a mini-heartbreak, a petit mal heartbreak. I’m trying to separate myself from the internal world in which I’ve been grandiosely living, happily catching butterflies in a field alongside the woman with whom I’m fucking meant to be. Goddammit. But who am I kidding? Even my fantasies betray me. I wouldn’t be caught dead inContinue reading “Dream Girl”